I wanna bring you to show and tell
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
