I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
