I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The uberlube is also flammable
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
