The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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