Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
