So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
