Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
