My underwear smells like fireworks.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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