I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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