Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose