You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My first STD was from a foam party
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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