Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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