Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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