Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
