Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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