oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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