My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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