I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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