Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
