also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
