Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
