my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
