I'm so fucking centered right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
