need another drink. this is the easiest way
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
