I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
