It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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