since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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