if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
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note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.