Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
did i walk over a car last night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?