and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?