I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible