worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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