so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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