I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
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Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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