The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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