clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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