I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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