I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
