I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
