I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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