OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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