When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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