the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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