I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
