No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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