were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
