halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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