I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
