It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
