I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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