why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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