Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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