Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
