She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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