it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
