Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
