Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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