My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
