You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
