Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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